// ARTICLE INCLUDES MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, C-PTSD AND SUICIDE IDEATION //
May is worldwide Mental Health Awareness Month. The occasion was first observed in 1949, which means that's 75 years of campaigning against stigma and advocating for adequate support across mental health services. We’ve certainly made some progress in that time but, with members of the UK government deeming mental illness a “fad,” there’s still so much work to do.
The Artist
I’m Alfie, co-editor and founder of Read The Room magazine. I’m also a professional illustrator, musician and overall creative-type. I get a buzz out of wearing many creative hats - have a read of my blog post to find out about my new adventure into filmmaking. My level of success has been varied. I’ve managed to tick off many of my childhood dreams including getting my songs regularly playlisted for national radio airplay, performing my music all over the world, designing magazine covers and being able to combine my love of things like sci-fi and football into popular products and merchandise. Financially, however, the success has been modest and often inconsistent. The creative world is tricky at the best of times, but factor in things like an unreliable brain and there are even more hurdles to conquer.
Over the years, I’ve been very open about my struggles with mental illness and how it has impacted my ability to sustain a healthy life and career - be it via candid social media posts or within my creative output. I’ve been working in the arts on a self-employed basis, full-time, since 2010. I’ve had to juggle self-care with self-promotion, constantly trying to find ways to manage my wobbly mind so I can continue working passionately without hitting burnout as frequently. It’s been a challenge and I’m still searching for the right kind of mental health support that works for me.
The Imposter
I’ve not been officially diagnosed with anything other than “severe anxiety and depression” written on my medical notes. This is despite being monitored by my general practitioner since my early twenties after I had my first nervous breakdown. I also supposedly have treatment-resistant depression, which is a barrel of laughs - my body really doesn’t get on with antidepressants. I’m often very physically sick on them which means, because I don’t feel like CBT is the therapy I need (the go to therapy the NHS and many charities offer), I’m being "difficult" and therefore "hard to treat".
I’m also still undiagnosed for ADHD although the wheels of diagnosis are in motion. Discovering my neurospicy-ness was life changing in a good way, as I’ve been able to understand why my brain reacts and responds the way it does to certain situations a lot more. I can plan better.
Imposter syndrome is the psychological experience of feeling like a fake or a phony despite any genuine success that you have achieved.
Arlin Cuncic, MA
Two aspects of my mental illness that have been particularly challenging to navigate are my intrusive thoughts paired with imposter syndrome. I’ve been told by a therapist that I’ll probably always have intrusive thoughts. It’s a little glitch my brain has thanks in part to C-PTSD gained largely during my childhood. Many artists experience imposter syndrome, but I find the combination with intrusive thoughts can often lead to extreme spiralling and a big kick to my overall confidence.
Part of being a successful artist is the ability to network, to see the value of your work and skillset so you can sell yourself. You need to be able to bang your own drum - which is quite funny considering part of my career has been as a professional drummer. Once the doubt gremlins start chattering, it’s normally a quick descent into the dark void of anxiety and depression where I question my 20+ years of experience. For a bit of extra sparkle, my intrusive thoughts add a helpful layer of “have you considered death?” as an option, because my brain is convinced that I’m obviously a massive fraud and therefore unworthy of existence. Have you ever tried running a thriving business with all that going on in your head?
Intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts, images, impulses, or urges that can occur spontaneously or that can be cued by external/internal stimuli.
Ashley Butterfield, Psy.D
Me: Asking For Help
As many people in the UK are experiencing at the moment, NHS mental health services are not fit for purpose. While well-meaning, the general focus of mental wellbeing support campaigns often seem to default to “it’s ok to not be okay, reach out, talk to someone”. I appreciate that these kinds of slogans at least get people talking who, perhaps, don’t have much understanding of mental illness and genuinely want to help their friends and family. It’s a bandaid though, and it requires the people struggling to still do much of the work themselves. And then when we do find the courage to ask for help, the help simply isn’t there.
Our friends and family should not be seen as a replacement for proper medical treatments and therapies.
Much of my access to counselling has been thanks to the kindness of loved ones, and even online acquaintances, supporting me financially so that I could afford to attend private sessions. That’s usually a last resort, because I will always contact my GP first. I’ve been referred to local mental health crisis teams on a number of occasions, and because I come across as intelligent, self-aware, and “able to crack a joke,” my needs are dismissed. “Force yourself out of bed, pretend you’re going to work” was some advice a mental health nurse once gave me. At the time I was suicidal and bedridden.
As I read stories on social media from other folks trying to pull themselves out of crisis, the narrative is unfortunately very similar to mine. There just isn’t adequate low cost or free professional support available. When the drugs don’t work, we’re often left to save ourselves alone.
That’s not to say that there isn't any help available at all. Yes, there are many charities like the Samaritans and Music Minds Matter (which specifically supports musicians) who offer talking services. But if, like me, part of your anxiety is talking on the phone, much of the help becomes inaccessible. I am eternally grateful to charities like the LGBT Health and Wellbeing Centre in Edinburgh who gave me the option to apply for help via email. Their in-person counselling sessions were absolutely invaluable to me.
There’s also barriers when it comes to applying for financial aid via arts charity hardship funds. Attempting to fill out complex application forms that require bank statements and other documents - to prove that you’re incapable of functioning as a normal human and are failing basic tasks like brushing your teeth - while in the throes of depression is a daunting and, for me, humiliating task. Imposter syndrome, remember? I’m not even a real artist, so I definitely don’t qualify for help.
The Future
It’s hard not to despair. Especially when I can’t imagine doing anything else. The creative world is where I belong, it’s what I’m good at… what I’m very good at. There are days, more frequently at the moment though, where I do feel like packing it all in, finding myself a “normal” job and disappearing into obscurity. Y’know, a job that gives you guaranteed wages at the end of each month and regular hours. Dreamy stuff. But I still worry. What if my skills aren’t transferable? What if I’ve been working in the arts as a freelancer for so long, I’m completely unemployable elsewhere? I feel like I’m stuck at a crossroads between needing job security but not feeling capable or well enough to sustain anything other than the chaos I currently exist in. Regular income would help me support my family as well as support myself. It would enable me to afford private healthcare. I could start attending therapy again.
Something that has been bandied about in the arts world for years now is the idea of universal basic income, which would give creatives a consistent and regular basic income and would definitely offer folks like myself some breathing space when we find ourselves needing to step back for a period. This isn’t some utopian vision - it’s already being researched and trialled across the UK and Europe. Research has shown that there would be a decrease in poverty! But implementing better living standards for everyone means increasing taxes, and nobody wants to do that.
So we reach the crux of the problem: nobody wants to pay higher taxes. At least that’s what the politicians would have you believe. The same politicians who are removing vital mental health services and demolishing the functionality of the NHS so we can save a couple of pennies from our taxes while also, somehow conveniently, topping up offshore accounts of the rich. We can campaign for better accessible treatments and therapies until we’re blue in the face, but if the financial input isn’t there, the system will always be on its knees.
Of course, the system itself still needs a complete overhaul. There is an unsavoury taste about the lack of care shown by some mental health professionals. Compassion is key. If the “get a grip, it’s not that bad '' mentality worked, so many of us wouldn’t need therapy to begin with. We also need to ensure that we regularly support charities, otherwise we’ll continue to lose even those small threads of hope that many rely on when the NHS shrugs its shoulders.
With regard to my own personal recovery, I’m taking small steps to try and ease some of the external stresses that trigger my depressive episodes, which is easier said than done. Financial security is still a massive worry, and I’m constantly aware that my wife’s income is under a lot of pressure. There are a few bills we’re having to put into the “deal with it later” pile at the moment. It is what it is.
Reducing my involvement on social media has had a noticeable positive impact on my wellbeing. Quitting Twitter might seem like a bad idea considering it’s where I’d gathered my biggest following, but the benefits for a happier mind have been worth it. I’ve been much more productive and less pressured to involve myself in the negative noise that Twitter has become.
I’m searching out quieter online communities where I can chat with fellow creatives about our mutual struggles. I’m getting outside more and interacting with actual real-life humans. I’m being proactive when I feel capable and moving forward positively while being a lot more conscious of how many spoons I’m using up. I’m saying no to projects that I know will overwhelm me. There’s a difference between taking on something that might be a positive challenge or learning experience and overworking myself because I need to prove I’m not a failure. I acknowledge the joy I feel when I’m creating art - be it a new song, an article I’ve written or a daft doodle I’ve shared which made a few people laugh.
It’s the joy that keeps me going.
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Words: Alfie Whitby (they/them)
If you’re in the UK and been affected by any of the subjects featured in this article, a good place to find out more information about services available is on the Mind (UK) website. Additionally, the Samaritans: samaritans.org
If you're in the US and are experiencing a mental health crisis or know someone who is, text or call 988 for the crisis hotline. To live chat online with someone, visit 988lifeline.org. Not in immediate crisis, but still want to talk to someone? Try a warmline.
For those outside of the UK and US, you can find a list of crisis hotlines listed by country here. If you can't find yours, try searching find a helpline. For general support, check out Befrienders Worldwide.
Not a crisis, but generally just "feel like shit?" Click here for an interactive self care and executive function flow chart.
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