Lucie Isle is a queer comedian and multimedia artist. That’s what it says on her website. I feel it doesn’t quite reflect her overall epicness, but I suppose it’s a bit egotistical to write “I’m bloody awesome” in your own About section.
I first discovered Lucie’s comedy via her They/Them reel on Instagram. It was perfect, hilarious, and brilliantly observant. I shared the reel on my own story, I followed Lucie, Lucie followed me - we’re easy, what can I say? I’m definitely a nosey neighbour so I had a good poke around her account where I met quirky characters of hers like Matt Glove and Nanna.
I started seeing hints on her Instagram about a new project she was working on which involved football, and, if you know anything about me, I’m like an excited dog that’s just heard the words “walkies?” whenever football is mentioned. Consider me interested and intrigued and eager to know more. Eventually, all is revealed! Lucie is losing her voice and will be launching a Kickstarter for a brand new ‘90s audio comedy called Football Crumpets featuring all of her wonderful and ridiculous characters for the last time.
Knowing all this, I just had to speak to her about the project! After a quick back and forth in our DMs, a Zoom interview was set up in a matter of days. We don’t faff about. The interview was a delight. Trigger warning: things do get a bit…yeasty.
Alfie Whitby: We're here to talk about your upcoming 90s audio comedy, Football Crumpets and the Kickstarter you’ll be launching for it. I'm going to jump in with a really basic question to begin with: What's a football crumpet?
Lucie Isle: The first scene ends literally with that question! I always found it really funny when around international sporting events, suddenly food in the shops has little footballs stuck all over it. It just seems, to me, that it was like a ploy to get little kids or football fans to be like, “Oh yeah, football Doritos” or “Ooh, football pizza”. I didn't even mean to buy them! I just bought some crumpets that had a football on from the reduced section. I was like “Ooh, football crumpets”.
AW: That's brilliant! Oh, that's actually the best answer. Thank you for that!
Lucie: What did you think? Like, your guess.
AW: I thought maybe it could’ve been a nickname. You know, you're a football crumpet or something. [laughs]
Lucie: Some kind of horrible slur. You're a football crumpet!
AW: Yeah! I'm yeasty and have many holes. I guess that was disgusting. That's a lot.
[Both laughing]
AW: From the sneak peek you've given me, I mean, it's brilliant. I'm so invested already. Take all my money! You're going to be making a feature-length comedy, not shorter episodes. You're like, “Here, have all of it in one go!” What made you decide to make it feature-length?
Lucie: It actually just got out of hand. The whole premise of Football Crumpets is that the protagonist is football mad, but really doesn't know anything about football, so it's quite sweet, his childlike innocence.
But that is really me! As a kid I was clueless about football and just wanted to fit in with the boys. So I kind of did want to make it like a 90 minute football match type thing. A 45 minute first act, 45 minute second act with extra scenes as extra time, but it just wound up inhibiting the storytelling so it got a little bit longer. Actually, episodes to me are a greater endeavour than a feature-length thing.
I always find this if I'm streaming something. I will happily accidentally plough through half a series and I realise I've just spent four hours plus of my life watching something. The idea of a 90 minute thing seems so terrifyingly long, when actually it's like, economy. Watching a film is actually probably less effort than sitting down for a series, but they hook you in.
That's kind of what happened with the writing. If I do a season, it's big. That's a big story to tell. You can kind of tell quite a succinct little story [with a feature]. If people are left wanting more, I can explore it again in the future or expand it into a series. At the moment it just seemed like I want to do a good job of a shorter story than water it down into lots of episodes. It's a neat self-contained story as well. It works really nicely to introduce the main characters.
AW: Before we explore the world of Funcliffe Park, I think it's important to hear about the really beautiful and moving reason for this together, which is to capture your voice as it currently is for the last time. Can you tell us a bit about that?
Lucie: I am not a big fan of my voice, but the idea that it will change spurred me into action. So did having the deadline that I want to book it soon; I want to have the operation, and [my voice] is going to change. But it's not like a magic pill, it takes time and training even after surgery to change.
It raised questions about “Will I be able to sing? What will my pitch be like?” These characters that I really love doing, and I also dislike doing as well, they will change. I actually would like to keep doing them. It's kind of weird, because on the one hand I'm saying goodbye to the characters as they are, but it's not sustainable for me. Every time I do a Matt Glove character, it’s like a backwards step. I could be working at some voice training, then I'll do a van man bit. Before you know it I'm back to square one.
So it's a little bit like, “Okay, let's do it, let's take the jump,” and since the voice is going, let's give these characters one last hurrah. I'm going to get them all to read “The Rainbow Passage” as well as a sort of an anchor point when I'm recording the voices. So it would be a little bit like they're all having voice training with me.
AW: …and you're not going to be able to speak for two months. How are you going to navigate that?
Lucie: I suppose long-term, people learn to sign and things, but in the short-term there is an alternative technique that I tried with a friend the other day and it actually does work. You can speak without using your voice, but you need someone to blow air in your mouth. So it sounds very ghostly. You use the resonance of your mouth to make words, but you can't carry around your own personal mouth person! I'm just gonna be quiet and write for a couple of months. The thing is, unless I'm around people I know, I'm finding increasingly that I don't want to speak, and that's really weird because I love chatting to people. I love messing around. But in public I am reluctant to use my voice. So it's two months where I'll be speaking significantly less, but afterwards that anxiety that I feel and that barrier to communicating with people will be gone.
I'm just trying to keep my expectations sort of as low as I can. It's a little push in the right direction. That was the trade off for me. I get so anxious when I'm walking the dog if I have to call him over. I don't like doing it. Or if I'm queuing for the bathroom and a friend wants to chat to me, I go so quiet because I just do not want to be outed. I don't want to speak. It's a big safety thing. That was as a result of facial surgery: suddenly there was the contrast. I could sort of get by and nobody would clock me and then I would speak. I realised, “Ah, it's the voice that's the thing. Like, it's a disconnect.”
It's not like that made me dislike my voice, but it just highlighted the potential safety risk. It sort of brought it all into focus. There's light at the end of the tunnel, you know. Two months of quiet, it's definitely worth it.
AW: Football Crumpets is a comedy all about caravans, crumpets, and being a football-mad kid who knows nothing about football. What can you tell us about the story, and who are we going to meet?
Lucie: Initially, we step into the present day Funcliffe Park - that's how the story opens. We meet Nobby, the protagonist, as an adult and we meet a couple of new people in town who are there to buy the caravan. They're a little…they're from a different world to Nobby.
They're called Misty and Dickie Pymm. Dickie's a beverage magnate, man about town, bit of a business brain. Misty is a socialite who has her sunglasses on, doesn't want to make eye contact, doesn't want to touch the surfaces. She doesn't want to live in the caravan. It's disgusting to her, but they need it for the build. They're doing a Grand Designs and they need the caravan. So it opens with some outsiders coming into what, to me, is the queer community. That's really where the story begins. In the opening scene as they're doing negotiations and finding out a little bit about the history of the place.
Nobby convinces them to stay for tea and football crumpets. Misty asks the central question, “What is a football crumpet?” [Nobby] is like “Well, I'll have to explain”. Then we go back to 1999 on just a regular afternoon with Nanna and Nobby.
That's how it opens! You find out what a regular nostalgic little normal 90s day is for them. Then everything starts escalating when the cliff comes down. Suddenly there's a threat to Funcliffe Park. Through that we meet Matt Glove in his formative years. He still has hair back then. He's got a long ponytail. Probably still wearing the same leather jacket.
We also meet the caravan community. You've got Dr. Allen, who is the local doctor. He evolved out of a couple of different characters actually, but he's sort of the guy who sings in one of my songs, the “They Them” song. [Lucie jumps into character] “I don't like this ‘they and them’, load of rubbish, really”. I expanded on who that character is. He loves the sound of his own voice. He loves spouting his complete bullshit. He thinks he's the most interesting, important man in town. Dr. John Allen, more letters after his name than in it.
You also meet some of the neighbours, some of the locals. You have a few cameo roles. We meet the local MP Cheryl Tuppence. Cheryl Tuppence is going to be played by Freddie Main, who also goes by the drag name Babs Romance MP who is the East West Suffolk MP for the Preservative Party. Cheryl is a slightly different flavour of MP. She's horrible. I love her, but she's horrible.
We find out a little bit more about why Nobby was raised by his grandma. Perhaps we find out about what happened to his mum and dad. Nobby goes on a bit of a journey, as does Matt Glove. They all do, really. As the story progresses, what I want to do is bring in people who don't know anything about the queer community.
There is a strong queer theme in the story, which I can't really reveal too much about, but sort of the first half is about trying to hide something, trying to keep a secret. The second half is about what we do once that secret is out and how we carry on with our lives despite it not being the same anymore. A lot of it was inspired by my experience of coming out. That was sort of the metaphor.
AW: Oh gosh, I really want to listen to it right now! [laughs] You describe it as a trans-inclusive comedy, and I think that's really needed at the moment with all the anti-trans rhetoric that's being bandied about. What kind of message do you hope to bring to the trans community? What do you hope that people will take from listening to it?
Lucie: I've been calling it a play, partially, because that's sort of what it is, really. Throughout the play, it has messages for the trans community and it has messages for people who aren't even strictly allies, who don't know anything about queer people. My intention with it -especially through Misty and Dickie, the outsiders - is I want them to become invested in this little community and to challenge some of their own views and to hopefully come away from it, not as perfect human beings, but at least with more of an understanding of what's going on than when they came in.
They represent the audience. It's not just for the queer community. I do believe that it's important to try and change some people's minds, because like, the conservatives were voted in. I'm not happy about that myself, but if you want people to stop voting for them, you need to take a conservative voter and change their mind or nothing's going to change. There's some people who you will never change their mind, but if I can just try and present a new point of view for them that isn't rage bait in the Daily Mail… I want something to be a little palatable for people who don't understand the queer community.
However, I don't want to water down the rest of it. I suppose in terms of the message for queer people… Before I transitioned, coming out as trans was the scariest thing I possibly could have done. I was married. I risked my marriage ending and having to move out of the house I lived in which I loved and leave my little community there and potentially lose friends and family - all that stuff. In many respects, the worst things I could imagine did come true. I survived, and life actually got way better than it was before. So this is what it's about. Like. The cliff coming down and the caravan community being put in danger. The story isn't about everything resolving really nicely and having a happy ending because that isn't realistic. We don't all have happy endings. “Happy endings”. Wow.
AW: Depends where you go I suppose.
Lucie: Depends if you're yeasty and full of holes.
AW: Depends if you're a football crumpet or not.
Lucie: Yeah, not every story, for want of a better phrase, has a happy ending, but we can still carry each other, even though the future is uncertain and not everything is resolved. It's not necessarily about having all the answers, it's just about holding the people important to you close and facing uncertainty together. That’s what the story is about. I want it to be comforting and also a bit whimsical and a bit silly. It has a very touching end.
Alfie: You’re hoping to raise £16,700 pounds. It feels like a lot, but I think it's a totally achievable amount for everything that you're offering. What will the funds be used for?
Lucie: Initially a large amount of that is going towards funding the vocal surgery that I'm having. It will go towards the procedure, the travel, and the accommodation. The project has an official partner, which is the clinic that I'm working with. So I'm doing some work for them in return, which has meant that I don't have to raise as much money towards the surgery. I'm going to be doing some before and after reviews for them and basically helping communicate the surgery. So that's amazing. They've done a lot to help make this possible already. Also, I will be fulfilling the rewards. I've worked with a local illustrator who is queer as well, and he has done a bunch of posters and thank you cards. There's this really gorgeous character anthology - there'll be a little book with illustrations, descriptions, facts about the characters that you can keep.
Then there's studio recording time. I'm paying my voice actors a fee as well. I'm trying to pay everyone. There are a few supporting voice actors who have offered their time for free, but if the funding goes well, I will be able to pay everyone involved in the process. So yeah, there's the studio and the voice acting costs. There's the sound engineering, advertising, and distributing it as well. I'm hosting a premiere in Norwich. I'm really excited for the premiere!
It's going to be at the venue I run my comedy night at, and it’s going to be a completely different setup. We're going to get in big cushions and beanbags. There will be football snacks for people to eat. It'll be like a silent disco, so everyone can relax and they can close their eyes and listen to the comedy together or they can sit and have tea. I want it to feel like you're in Nanna’s living room in her caravan. Hopefully, we'll see how we can coordinate it, but when the snacks are presented in the audio, people will bring out the football snacks on the day. I want to invite my backers and everyone who's helped in the project.
I didn't want to be excessive. I factored in an extra five grand on top of it because I'm not paying myself anything. If I exceed my goal, I'll pay myself. If I meet the goal, I'll pay for the surgery and I'll pay everyone else's fees and there won't be anything left over. So that was the lowest I could go. I'm really willing to make this. It's going to be a lot of fun. It's a gamble too, but hopefully I can meet the goal and exceed it.
AW: I'm really looking forward to the West End debut of the stage adaptation.
Lucie: One day I would love to do that. That would be ultimately the next step. I would love to do a stage adaptation and I'm already asking people what their availability is next year or even the year after, because when I've been writing this thing, I've been picturing how it would work on a set. And it would be so perfect. It's all set in a living room, and yet the world feels so big.
Watch this space!
AW: Manifest the crap out of it.
Lucie: Yeah!
AW: Do you have anything else going on that you would like to shamelessly promote right now?
Lucie: Tune into the Forgive Me Lucie podcast. That's really fun. I have the second one of that coming out at the end of this month, last Friday of every month. The format of the podcast is that I ask my guest to bring in two confessions - a little one, then a big, juicy confession. They have a chance to redeem themselves in an agony aunt section, and also just a final plea. Then at the end of it I decide whether they go to heaven or hell.
I'm currently also working on a one-off podcast with QueerAF that is going to be released during Trans+ History Week in May. My podcast is going to be on how the eighties punk comedy scene paved the way for present day queer comedy and how that alternative scene in London refusing to make homophobic and sexist jokes was really the way in for more progressive standup.
Finally, there’s the Softboi Haiku Book, which is disgusting and hilarious as well. It's a collection of haikus that a softboi would have written.
Words and interview: Alfie Whitby (they/them)
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